im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
