Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
