Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
