I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
