i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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