I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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