Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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