Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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