ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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