Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
