Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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