This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
