Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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