fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
