well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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