Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
