I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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