I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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