He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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