I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
