I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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