3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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