Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
