I am puke
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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