i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
