Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
