; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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