I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
