Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize