Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
