Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
