you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
