Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Be still, my beating vagina.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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