I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
