i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
