Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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