I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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