Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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