The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
