If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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