ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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