if you like me you must not know who I am
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
