i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
