My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
