Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
