i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize