My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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