I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
