I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
