So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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