We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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