I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to have your abortion
This girl is more easily done than said...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
