I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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