i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
