Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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