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• (737): View more from Texas

  You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?

  (1-737): View more from Texas

  That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there

  (737): View more from Texas

  It's my parent's restaurant

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• (760): View more from California

  she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.

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• (432): View more from Texas

  He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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• (714): View more from California

  All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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• (653): View more from

  I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours

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• (848): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.

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• (510): View more from California

  The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm just too horny to handle empty house

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