just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
too bad you live with your parents still
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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