LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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