I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
