And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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