I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
